List of Fears

In honor of the spectacular holiday that is Halloween, I've decided to go with a theme that seems appropriate. Today we're going to be exploring fears - more specifically, my fears. Because this is my blog.

Everyone has fears, some of them rational and some of them not. I'd say I'm about fifty-fifty on mine. But some of my fears are down right weird. So weird that some of them might make you wonder about my sanity, and that's okay because you already know that I'm a little off at this point.

It's really hard for me to rank my fears in order, because they're all pretty high up on my fear Richter scale. So, while they are in fact numbered - this should not necessarily convey to you that one is higher than the other unless otherwise specified.

*disclaimer
I don't like to cuss in my blog, but because these things get me to the most rudimentary of my very human fight-or-flight reactions, I'm going to cuss. But my way of cussing is different than most. I use abbreviations of the actual word. So it's not like I'm trying to spare you the pain of the word I'm actually wanting to use, I just don't like to say whole cuss words. Or if I do, I slightly modify them to seem a little less... intimidating.

Example: I say bish instead of, well, you know. Or I'll use the first letters of the actual cuss word, but spell it out like this: eff. Like, EFF YOU MAN!!! So that's that, and on we go.

Fear #1
Sharks



HOLY EFFING ESS, I'M SO AFRAID OF EM EFFING SHARKS!!!!!! Look at that! It's just a scary mouth!!! With RAZOR TEETH!!! It has no other purpose than to feed. And sharks can't stop moving because of the way their gills work SO IT'S A CONSTANTLY MOVING MOUTH LOOKING FOR FOOD. Scariest thing ever!! EVER!!!


Fear # 2
Snakes


Would you just LOOK at that? Pure em effing evil. If you own or like snakes I have no interest in you as a person. SNAKES will BITE your FACE. See? See the picture? This is similar to my shark scenario, because it's just a moving mouth. Snakes can stop, of course, they don't have to constantly move like the sharks do. But don't be deceived - they're JUST AS BAD. Because they hide!! Sharks don't hide. But snakes hide, and they hide with malice. This cannot be proven, but I'm like that kid in captain planet that can communicate with animals. Or at least, I think I can. Because when I look at snakes I KNOW FOR A FACT that they HATE ME and all they want to do is BITE MY FACE!!! And guess what? They want to bite your face too, so you just watch yourself MISTER!


Fear # 3
Pennies


SICK. Sick me out. You dirty, filthy and sickening pennies. Looking at this picture seriously made me cringe. Stop handling those pennies you little child!!! Don't you know how disgusting they are???

I hate touching change in general, but particularly pennies. I'm not sure when this irrational fear started, and in an attempt to determine the origin I thought long and hard. I think this is when this fear, which I'm sure had already started to form in some fledgling way prior to this incident, became highly exacerbated:

I had to go to the doctor and get an x-ray, and they injected me with this dye. A sudden streak of panic shot through me like wildfire, as a taste began to form in my mouth. Metal. Nay. It was pocket change. With a gasp of horror I managed to inform my medical attendant in a grave tone.

Me: Ma'am? My mouth tastes like pocket change.
Attendant: Oh don't worry hun, that's normal.

(NORMAL!?!?) I've never fully recovered from this incident, and whenever I see pennies I feel like they're in my mouth. BJSKJDFJAOI!!! I just cringed again.

Fear # 4
Mice


Dude, cat. Get your ESS together and eat that mouse! They're weird creatures that bear disgusting little flesh colored mice babies. And the way that mice skitter across the floor freaks me out. When I look at them skitter I feel like they're going to get into my hair.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

*it should be noted that the word flesh also sicks me out, which I have just remembered.


Fear # 5
Heights


First of all, this woman who is holding her child up to the edge of the tallest building in the US is a human WASTELAND, and more importantly, should have CPS called on her. You get that baby away from the edge you filth! I don't care if it has glass!!! Both baby AND glass would SHATTER if they fell from that height.

Being up high scares the effing ess out of me, and it should scare the effing ess out of you too.

Look people, human beings were never EVER meant to be up this high. I don't look over the edge of buildings because it defies everything we're supposed to fear as humans. It's hard-wired to our systems to not like to be up high, because the chances of falling off something high and dying are higher than not being on something high and falling and dying. If you are not afraid of heights then there IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR BRAIN. Like seriously, you have a BRAIN MALFUNCTION. You should probably get that checked out, fella.


Fear # 5
Touching Kleenex



Boy howdy, this gives me the creeps. I don't know why, but when I touch kleenex it makes me want to vom. Unless it's the kind that's loaded down with the lotion - for some reason that texture is totally different. But if it's not? Ewewew. I have bad allergies, and when the time comes for me to need to blow my nose I'd rather run to a corner store and get a GEE DEE paper towel roll than have to touch cheap, dry, thin and icky kleenex.


Fear # 6
Goat Eyes







Completely self-explanatory.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This concludes my em effing list of fears. Happy (almost) Halloween readers!!

Miasma

As you all may know, except for the relatively new readers, occasionally I will post extremely boring, dry and lengthy updates on what's going on in la vida Mary. Apologizes in advance for one of these segments which I would now like to call: MIASMA UPDATE WITH MARY BAIRD

Mary? What's a miasma?

Well little ones, it's noxious exhalations from putrescent organic matter; poisonous effluvia or germs polluting the atmosphere.

I like to refer to my life as "the miasma" because life, in general, twists and turns and puts you through some pretty bizarre trials. Beautiful noxious gas.

Besides, when would I otherwise get to use that word in my day-to-day routine? And furthermore, can you imagine what people would say if I had to explain this word by any other medium than my blog? When you read it, it's pretty funny. But talking about it in regular conversation? Please, like I need another excuse for people to think I'm a freak show.



This is me in a homemade fat suit with Lisa at a "pretty in pink" party circa 2006. I rest my case.

Onward.

So several months ago Kevin decided he was going to go into the Navy. Right around the same time, I was diagnosed with epilepsy and as a result couldn't drive for six months, and now again I can't drive for yet another six due to further issues with it. So basically Kevin and I jointly decided to scrap plan Navy because it just wouldn't be wise for him to leave for great lengths of time in case anything happened that affected my ability to drive, etc. We were pretty disappointed by this, because we were both excited at the plethora of opportunity the military offers. But life goes on.

So a new plan was devised! This is: plan school.

Kevin and I are both planning to go to school starting in August at Sul Ross, which is a small university in Alpine, Texas, right near Big Bend National Park. Sul Ross was a famous Texas Ranger and was the 19th governor of Texas, which is why they named the school after him. It was also called "possibly the most underrated little university west of the Mississippi" by CBS's Dan Rather. Neat!


My parents used to have a house in Alpine, and that's how I heard of it. Sul Ross is part of the Texas State University system, along with Sam Houston State and Lamar State, but it's by far the smallest. I believe the student population is less than 3,000. I understand why - it's a really small town that is in the middle of nowhere. But I love the town!!



It's settled right in the middle of the Davis Mountains. I would be so grateful to get out of this allergy infested humid Austin air into a dry air desert shrub climate.



Logistics on this is that my job will end mid-April at Foundation Communities. I'm contracted by the government for a year, so unfortunately all good things must come to an end. I'm going to furiously cry at the end, I just know it. I've really loved my time there and the people I work with are nothing less than fabulous. Tear. So needless to say, I have been racking my brain trying to figure out what I would do (Find another job? Take some time off?) when the time comes, and this seems like the best fit.

I really like the idea of going away to school, too, because I know that if I stayed here and went back to Texas State I would find excuses not to go because of my transportation issues. Texas State is in San Marcos and I feel like the job opportunities are too limited there - and so we would live in Austin, and thus begins the cycle of putting it off. Of course all plans are subject to change, but this is where we think we're headed for now.

This has been your miasma update.

Oh before I forget - check this link (click the word link) out. It's some attractions in the area that might entice you to come visit!

Thank you, and goodnight.