Mary Baird: Continually Ruling at Exercise

I have body issues. I always have, and I always will. I eat healthy, I exercise and for whatever reason it never seems to be enough. Last July I started training for a half marathon – my high point was running about 22 miles a week. To some of my more crazy friends - and like half of the population of Austin - that’s like…. Nothin’. But I was super proud! I trained running from 10-22 miles a week for seven months and completed a half marathon on January 31st, 2011. Did I lose any weight? NO! NO!?!?!?!? You may be thinking “Mary, if you eat a whole pizza every day because you’re running, well, that won’t work. You won’t lose weight even IF you’re running.” Well you shut the hell up! I didn’t eat whole pizzas. In fact, I didn’t alter my diet at all. I hardly ever eat out, and I try to make healthy choices. Sure, if have my weak moments like everyone. But truth be told, I hardly ever eat what I want. And it sucks.

Let me also say, I hate working out. I thought if I did it long enough I’d grow to like it.. but… nope. Never once have I been like “wow, that was a great workout.” I always leave the gym like “eff, I’ve just wasted an hour of my life that I will never get back.” If I had my ideal sitch here I would be one of those skinny people that can eat like vacuum cleaners and NEVER have to work out.

Despite all the effort, recently it has occurred to me that I’m going about fitness the wrong way. I decided cardio is NOT my friend. The other day I went to the gym and just glowered at the elliptical and treadmills and walked away.



I walked around the basketball court, and went to an empty exercise classroom. There, I found a medicine ball. I played with the medicine ball, and did exercises with it. What did I discover? Well, I kinda like the medicine ball. I also discovered, the following morning, that the medicine ball is a sonofabitch. I was SO SORE the next day! That means it’s working though, right? Yep. So this morning I knew what my next step was. “I SHALL BUY A MEDICINE BALL!” I announced to Kevin. But there’s no athletic stores here. None. In fact, there are exactly two grocery stores, and exactly one department store – and that’s Bealls. CRINGE.

Remembering this fact, I told him of my dilemma, saying “I WANT A DAMN MEDICINE BALL BUT I CAN'T BUY ONE HERE!” “So order one online,” he says. No, okay? I don’t like ordering things online. They just never live up to your expectations. Plus, I wanted instant gratification. I wanted a medicine ball IMMEDIATELY. Not in five to seven business days. So Kevin scampered out of the room and promptly returned with a small bag. In the bag was a bowling ball… with his name engraved on it. Nerd. “Use this!” he proudly exclaimed.



Needless to say initially I was skeptical. But it’s twelve pounds, so eventually after some speculation I gave it a try. AND OH MY GOD IT’S EFFING AMAZING.

The great thing is, it involves DANGER! INTRUIGE! POSSIBLE MAIMING!



If I’m doing circles with it I might drop it on my head and get a concussion. If I’m doing the medicine ball “wood chopping” exercise, I could completely obliterate one of my toes. Nay, my whole foot. And if I don’t? Well hey! Success! Next time you see me I will be RIPPED UP boyyyyyyy! And if people ask me, “Mary, what on earth did you do to get so svelte?”



I’ll simply lob a bowling ball at their FACE and say “that’s how baby – and training starts now.”