Now, I've only heard it told once. Perhaps the details are a bit fuzzy, but I've put together what I can remember and am attempting to write it down in the form of a story.
I'm a very visual person. Not that I necessarily am a visual learner, I just instantly picture what people say when they tell stories... even when I'd rather not. Very vividly, I might add. Which makes disgusting stories disgustingier, and beautiful stories beautifullier, sad stories saddier, and whatever else involves me seeing a clear mental picture of what's going on as if it were right in front of my face. Ps, I heart purposefully bad spelling. I do not, however, enjoy accidentally bad spelling - and I hate it more than anything when I realize I've sent an email out with exceptionally poor spelling after-the-fact. It eats at my very soul.
I also hate it when people ramble, yet astonishingly (and quite apparently) I do not mind if I do. On that note, we shall finally begin.
Every now and again, a funny story comes along that tickles my fancy because of the mental image aspect. When I think of these stories, one stands out among the rest.
Let's say there's a man, and this man has a wife. The wife happens to be pregnant, and is so pregnant that it makes it very difficult for her to sleep. She naps in the day when she can, and when she can't she's exhausted. In fact, either way she's exhausted.
I tried to pull up a picture of an exhausted lady on google, but all it came up with was Lady Gaga pictures. Go figure.
So one night the wife is trying to sleep, but all the husband and wife can hear is the loud chirping of frogs coming from a pond in their back yard. They try everything they can to distract themselves from the sound, but it's so overwhelmingly loud that no sound can be created to cover it that doesn't cause sleep-interuption in of itself.
After strong deliberation on how to solve this quandary, the man promptly gets up, goes outside, collects the frogs and throws them down a storm drain.
Quite proud of his brilliant solution, he crawls into bed - sure that this will no longer be a problem for him, or his wife.
Geez, google is in rare form today. I looked up "couple peacefully sleeping" and got this:
The next night the couple lays down to sleep. Suddenly - a bombardment of frog noises begins to rise like thunder. THEY HAD COME BACK! AND IN GREATER NUMBERS! Much like the sand people in Star Wars: A New Hope. Yes, I totally just went there.
The man, seething with anger, grabs the big bunch of frogs and once again makes a trek to the storm drain.
The next day comes and goes, and once again night befalls them. Silence. Then a cacophony of deafening frog chirps begins.
The man is completely filled with rage. Blind by the sudden rush of hate-fueled adrenaline, he starts grabbing frogs in a crazed fury. He comes out to the street with hands and robe pockets full of frogs. He doesn't know what to do. The storm drain idea is clearly a bad one, because apparently all they do down there is recruit friends to come back.
Then an idea begins to form. The man thinks "I SHALL END THEM!" But how? A car drives by, and light bulb in his head is ignited.
Like a crazed madman, his eyes wide with fury, he begins pelting the frogs under the wheels of passing cars like a gory bloodbath version of frogger.
This is the part of the story where I laugh to the point of tears. Because in my mind, there is a robed man pelting frogs at under passing cars at the speed of a major league pitcher...and laughing like the wild man of Borneo....
At this point he is experiencing the ecstasy of relief in his frog murder spree. Blinded by such elation, he manages to not see an approaching police car. Once again, he unleashes the Wrath of God on a frog by pitching it as he would a fastball under the police car.
The police officer promptly slams on his breaks, turns around, and rolls down the window. Realizing what he's done, the man snaps out of his frog murder high and comes back to his impending animal cruelty misdemeanor. Panicked, he begins to explain his actions.
OFFICER! My wife, she's pregnant. And the frogs...the DAMN FROGS....THE NOISE! She couldn't sleep! And I DIDN'T know what to DO!!!
In a storm of wild gesturing, the story tries to come out in a series of sentence fragments. The police officer, having heard enough even prior to the story being finished, simply rolls up his window and drives away.
The man, in awe of the events which had just transpired, empties his robe pockets of frogs. He trudges back to the house to his wife. He lays down, in a silence that is devoid of frog noises, and relishes the thought of the mass murder as he drifts to sleep.
No comments:
Post a Comment