The Blues

Man, is it hard to come home from a trip in paradise. Going to Cabo San Lucas for Whitney's wedding was the best thing ever! Now I'm in a slump. Whaddup with all of this structure during my day? Why is everything here covered in cement? Why does everything smell of gasoline? Yuck. Also, how the eff did I gain seven pounds in Mexico? Oh, that's right. I was at an all inclusive resort with 24 hour room service and four different restaurants. Blah. BLAH. Here's a picture of the ocean taken from where we stayed.



I've found one thing that's cheering me up today, and that's Jack Handey quotes. My uncle Bill recently commented on a Gandhi quote that my aunt Mary posted with a Jack Handey quote and it made my day. Here's the thread:

(Aunt Mary says) Three-fourths of the miseries and misunderstandings in the world will disappear if we step into the shoes of our adversaries and understand their standpoint. I offer you peace. I offer you love. I offer you friendship. I see your beauty. I hear your need. I feel your feelings. My wisdom flows from the Highest Source. I salute that Source in you. Let us work together for unity and love.

(Uncle Bill says) “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” Jack Handey

(I say) YES. YES UNCLE BILL. Jack Handey is my Gandhi. Good quote though Marrrayy. True. I just identify more with ole Jack, I think.


Now? The whole family is in a full tilt Jack Handey quote war on facebook. Take a back seat Gandhi! Here comes Jack Handey, the great Texan philosopher!

"The funniest thing to a great white shark must be a wounded seal trying to swim to shore, because, where does he think he's going?!"
— Jack Handey
Exactly. This is why I refuse to snorkel.

"When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear."
— Jack Handey
I had an Uncle Velociraptor.

"Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done..."
— Jack Handey
If only I could do this to every single person I'm stuck in rush hour traffic with.

"The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."
— Jack Handey
Literally, this is now my mantra.

"I think that a hat that has a cannon that comes out, fires, and then goes back in is at least a decade away."
— Jack Handey
And thank Christ for that.

"Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books."
- Jack Handey
I read the Twilight series. I don't think I need to say anything else.

"It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire."
— Jack Handey
JUST YOU REMEMBER THAT! Mouse traps are inhumane anyway, even though mice are gross I still wouldn't use one. I'd just tie a cat to a long rope in my basement. If I had a basement that had mice in it.

That's all today folks. Ideally I'll come up with something a little more interesting in June!