Tranquilized Giraffe

"I would never run a marathon. Not even a half marathon. What situation in life would require you to run at length like that? It's ridiculous. Only idiots do that." - Me, 2006

"Hey, so, I just signed up for the 3M Half Marathon." - Me, 2010

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I have never been athletic. Ever. I'm a moderately good player at the grand activity of water volleyball, which is a sport that thankfully doesn't require much movement. Nor does it require you to serve the ball very far. Yes, this sport fits in quite nicely with my athletic prowess. Needless to say I never intended to branch out any further than water volleyball or the elliptical machine at the gym.

Well, two months ago I was diagnosed with Epilepsy. I'm on medication for it now, and my doctor told me that I needed to get fit - as sometimes this helps with controlling seizures. Not like the "fitness" I was doing then, which is moderate exercise. Like real, challenging, life-altering exercise. You know, like Rocky...or anyone else you can picture that has a training montage. I was pretty sad about the diagnosis in general - but suddenly, something struck fear into my heart.

Wait...she just said I couldn't drink with this medication. No happy hours? No fun-filled nights at weddings or Christmas parties? What about a glass of wine when I get home from work....no? Are you serious?

This leaves quite a great void in my life where fun activities used to take place. Crap. New Years? Aw. I just keep thinking of things that will no longer contain the majesty they used to. MAN!

So in an effort to find something to keep me busy, and....er....fit for real, I took a long time deciding.

What should I pick up....yoga? Meditation doesn't really appeal to me, I'm not good at being introspective. I'm scared my negativity would be replaced with a wider understanding of the universe - and that's a trade I'm not willing to make yet. Rowing? Nah. Cycling? People in Austin don't seem to take kindly to bike riders. You'd think with Lance Armstrong being a resident here that people would love all things bike - but really there's a lot of people who are none too enthusiastic about cyclists. So what else....

Running?

No way. I'm terrible at running. I can't run. I remember people running laps around me in middle school when I was in track. I have a short stride, even when I'm in shape. Plus I'm a very poor self-motivator with exercise. And more importantly, I'm slow.

I look like a tranquilized giraffe when I run. Close your eyes and picture a giraffe, hit with 40 tranquilizer darts, and you can envision the colossal train wreck that is me trying to be a runner. See below.



Spot on, spot on.

I've gone through a gauntlet of "you can't do it" thoughts in my head. To me, running is the scariest among all sport possibilities.

But I'm going to do it anyway.

I told my neurologist about this and she wasn't happy. I confessed that I'm terrible about drinking water, and something she strongly stressed to me is that it's very important for me to stay hydrated - a need that running doesn't really play to. In an effort to appease her and assure her I would have an ample amount of water, I went and bought a camelbak. It's this super nerdy looking backpack that you wear when you run that contains about 3 bottles worth of water.

So now I'm a tranquilized giraffe with a little pakpak on my back. Spectacular.

In addition to that, it's around....hmm.....478 degrees outside with 108230918341% humidity in Austin right now. Clearly, a GREAT time to decide to start running. However, even if it were a normal temperature, I would still have this....thing.......

I turn completely red when I do anything exercise oriented. I've got such a fair complexion that my face (and sometimes legs) turn red even if I'm trucking along at a comfortable pace. Thankfully right now it is actually hot outside so I might be able to get away with not looking too weird while summer weather is still here.

Finally, I have one last reason to support my "I look like a nerd" statement. I'm not ever going to use my shirt to wipe sweat, even if I somehow get a hot bod. Why? Because I'm not showing my stomach in public to all the weirdo people out there aimlessly wandering the neighborhood! Therefore I have a wrist sweatband. Yep, you remember them - circa 1980? They're very attractive.

Thus we are left with the final product - a red tranquilized giraffe with a lil pakpak and an 80's sweat band.

Let me put it this way.....



Less nerdy than me.

PROGRESS ALERT

Despite the fact that I clearly have obstacles....many many obstacles....I have actually made progress.

I can run 3 miles without stopping! A first in Mary history. I can also run 10 minute miles! Also a first in Mary history. I know, I know. It's not that great, but come on - it's me guys. Today's mountain? 4 miles.

Wish me luck!

Signed,

Giraffe